Lisanne D'Andrea-Winslow interviewed by Doug Holder

A Lucid Moon Interview #7

       The death of a loved one brings a great sense of loss, a deep sorrow, and in the case of poet Lisanne D'Andrea-Winslow, a book of poetry that acts as a memorial and a balm for a wound deep in the maw of her soul. Winslow, a professor of Biology ( formerly at Boston University), and an accomplished poet, found out on August 16 2000 that her son Bennett Steven, only two weeks old, suffered from a debilitating brain hemorrhage leaving him severely neurologically impaired. Later, it was discovered that Bennett suffered with Hyper-Coagulative Disorder, a disease that caused his blood to clot abnormally, effecting his brain and other organs. During this time Winslow questioned herself, questioned existence, and questioned God. At times when she would visit her son in Children's Hospital in Boston, she literally wanted to rip all the futile wires and tubes connected to him, and carry him to an open field, under an azure sky and a warm, resplendent sun.
       This book is the Winslow family's attempt to express in words the sorrow and beauty this experience entailed. Winslow captures the nuances of the strong bond between mother and child, and her sense of futility and anger as she saw her infant slowly fade. She recounts the disbelief, the stages of letting go, the constant pull of flights of fancy, the ache, the pain, and the inevitable death. The book is a lyrical, honest and evocative account of an experience that one should never have to go through. Winslow did, and she survived to give a report from a side of life we often cast a blind eye towards.
       On a December morning, I interviewed Winslow at her comfortable home in the Winter Hill Section of Somerville, Ma.

DH: The first question I always ask poet is how did you become one? What attracted you to this form of expression?

LW: I guess I started writing poetry when I was a little kid, but I didn't know what I was doing. I was just writng these "things" When I got to grade school, in sixth or seventh grade, and we started to read poetry, I thought: "Oh...this is what I"ve been doing." I kept it a private part of my life until I moved to Boston in 1993.

DH: How did the idea of the book come about? Was it a form of closure,a sort of theraputic intervention for you, or simply a memorial for Bennett?

LW: The idea of the book came about when Bennett became ill. A lot of my family members were giving me pieces of writing, letters or poems. I hadn't written a thing. I wanted to get it out, but I couldn't, there was a total block. Recieving these letters from family members touched me deeply. I thought at least these people are putting into words some of what is going on. Someday I thought this should be put together in a collection. I never imagined it would happen so quickly. My sister in Florida discovered this artwork, a rendering of a flower reaching towards the sun, on the cover of a card. She said to herself, " This is for Lisa, and she's going to write a book. The title of the book is going to be called, NEW BEGINNINGS ." When I saw the artwork, it was so profound and powerful, that I was inspired to write the title poem, NEW BEGINNINGS. You could say the picture was the catalyst for me to write the book. After this, I wrote 18 poems in the next week. It just came flooding out of me. It was a gusher...a Niagara Falls. Most of the poems I wrote in the first chapter were in Bennett's hospital room. He was hooked up to everything imaginable,and I was holding one of his hands and writing with the other. My sister did a lot of the editing. She's an author with a M.A. in Literature. The editing was minor. It was a word here, a line break there. There weren't major revisions. I didn't want it to be eloquent. I wanted it to be raw. Some of the poems are stark and end abruptly. When parents go through something like this, they can't put two thoughts together. They question God, they are talking to the doctors, they question God. It's all flashes of thought. I want parents who've been through this to say, "Yeah, I remember that." I want that kind of connection.

DH: You wrote in the preface, that you questioned God constantly. Have you come out of this experience more secure in your faith or less so?

LW: I am still in the process. I've had a long journey with my faith. I was very surprised with this event in my life. For 15 years, till I was 35, I spent my time on my knees, asking God for children. I was unable to have children, and I lost a marriage over that. When I met my current husband, he said: " All I want is a faithful wife and children." I was really excited about the relationship, and of course we fell in love and got married. We had a child, and I thought, "Wow, God has been so kind to me." When I got pregnant with Bennett, I thought God was bringing me into an epic of children. So when my son was stricken, I thought this was a cruel twist of fate. I thought how could God be so cruel to me, after all these years praying for children. I was afraid to trust him. I am in a process now, and I think I am in a better place than I was 3 months ago. I still have this huge spritiual question hanging over me. I have to deal with it. Bennett lived only about a month or so. It was incredible the bond that was formed in such a short period of time. Even in my pregnancy I felt that special bond. I felt that I knew him. I thought I knew exactly what the Kid was going to look like.

DH: You wrote that there were precious moments of beauty in the midst of the sorrow. One was the outpouring of love and support you received from many sources. Can you tell me about this, and any other moments that stuck you?

LW: My experience at Children's Hospital was unique for us as well as the doctors. We got to the level with the doctors and nurses that many families don't attain. The doctors cried and prayed with us,. This was a magical and beautiful experience in the midst of deep tragedy. Usually a lot of parents become angry at the doctors. So this was a unique experience. Part of it was that I am a scientist, so I could talk with the doctors on a professional level. I've worked at Harvard Medical School, and my training is quite advanced. The doctors told me that this was a rare relationship. They still call me to see how I am doing. I had several conversations with one doctor about the spiritual aspects of all this. He would come in during rounds and take the time to talk to me. He asked me if I wished I could push the rewind button of the videotape of my life and go back nine months. Here I am holding a gorgeous baby, and I said to myself, " No, even in this short time this child had an important impact on my life."

DH: Stone Soup Poetry Press of Boston, published your book. Was this a good fit, and why?

LW: I think it was a good fit. Jack Powers( founder of Stone Soup Poetry), is a deeply valued friend. Jack was very supportive of the book from the get-go. Stone Soup has been serving the Boston Poetry community for over 30 years. I love Boston, and my son was treated at a hospital in Boston. I think the Boston connection of STONE SOUP is a strong one.

DH:The title, NEW BEGINNINGS, reflects the hope that emerges from the death of a beloved infant. What has emerged for you from all of this?

LW: Something like this happens and you see another side of a person. Both positive and negative. The negative side was seeing people who I thought would be compassionate turn away. My younger sister, for example. I haven't spoken to her since August. The family is angry with her. I'm not,this is the way she deals with it. She'll talk when she is ready. You can't be angry at people for their reaction. You have got to love them and respect them for what they are. My husband's parents( who are very reserved), for the first time told him that they love him. Things like this is what the title NEW BEGINNINGS refers to.

DH:In the title poem, you write about the "rebirth" of Bennett on the other side. How do you envision the other side?

LW: I don't have it completely formulated in my mind. A lot of people say he is an Angel or in the arms of Jesus. I beleive what a minister friend told me, that Bennett knows all mysteries now.

DH: As a scientist, a professor of Cell Biology, you write about being humbled, when you realized that the "certainties" of science crumble, in the face of the natural order or the will of God. Did this give you a new view of your chosen profession?

LW: Absolutely. In our society we believe science can do anything. We trust science, almost as a psuedo-religion. There came a point in my son's life that medical science couldn't help. The natural order of the universe was in control. I realized that God has set up Biology in his way and when it comes right down to it, no matter what we do he is in control. Life has become more sacred to me. I don't only view it in a clinical fashion.

DH: How are you now? Do you feel more at peace?

LW: I have moments of peace, and I have moments of great travail. Sometimes I just want to look at Bennett's picture. I don't think I will ever get over it. It is a process I have to go through.

Doug Holder, Somerville, December 2000

You can order a copy of New Beginnings by Lisanne D'Andrea-Winslow through Amazon.Com or through Stone Soup Press, 5 Mechanic St. Boston, Ma. 02115 $11pp. or contact the author for a signed copy at lisannewinslow@hotmail.com-Doug