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The Unravelling Web of Life
By Brad Kammer I must say that one of the largest problems I've seen around me (from the objective as a white, young American male) is the disconnection between who we are and what we do. So many times I hear people talking about their jobs, their relationships, their experiences in this complacently dismal way, nearly saying that although I am afraid to die, I am still so afraid to live; or, I am so afraid to accept the consequences of living. Recently I made a terrible trespass, calling, in a letter to my friend, his life a lie. Reading back on the line, I see the loadedness of that remark - at the time, it was meant as the most accurate, real attempt at explanation I could find (in the moment of inspiration) to express that I thought that by living out of fear, that by allowing external forces to manipulate you into beliefs, decisions or actions, that by justifying ones experience as inevitable, chance or fate, or that by rejecting life out of duty and then piously labeling it tradition, achievement or 'reality' that we were missing the flow or cycle of organic life, instead projecting human mind, out of balance, into an already balanced equation of life. Of course, we could all rightfully say that upon arriving at the place where we can begin taking responsibility for our beliefs, decisions and actions this balance is already out of whack; this would certainly be true. But for whatever reason, we must be born anew here, ready, able and willing to take responsibility for who we've become - regardless of how 'good' or 'bad' we may perceive it; and part of this re-balancing act is the gradual re-awakening of our place within our own lives. My friend thought otherwise, he saw the liberal use of 'lie', especially when so closely placed next to other such blatant challenges to his being, as a direct, undermined attack, as though I was trying to 'pull the rug out from under him' (once again). We cannot and should not go around explaining ourselves all the time, and I , at present, have refused to defend myself against his reactions to this comment. But, I think the situation in general points to the deeper, larger problem of disconnection, and therefore, although tainted with resentment and distrust, a good vehicle for a more in depth search into what the real issues are; how it occurs; and maybe, possibly, ways to remedy this devastation. The 'real' issue - this obviously is tremendously difficult for me to answer, or even to attempt an answer. My experience can speak of what, in general, the issue seems to be. It seems to be fear; this, of course, is an enormous, wide-sweeping label, but what I intend to illustrate is the attachment to the secure, and the apprehension of the unknown. As babies, we cling to our mothers, and as time moves on, these patterns never really give way, but just transform - so maybe one child will have his 'blankey', and another will suck her thumb, yet another will have a doll, and another will need the light. Behavioral patterns inevitably develop around these fears (unless supported otherwise) and thus it colors the movement into adolescence, and eventually adulthood. What happens, usually after a brief fling with various attempts at freedom ('escape'?), is that the person resolves their movement into adulthood, and not willing to let the movement drag them along in its crazy and seemingly disconnected meandering, uses their already established behavioral patterns to control the movement. Therefore, a big divergence occurs from when life dictated to some extent one's opportunities and lessons (some call it coincidence or even fate) to when life is dictated by human will. This begs the age-old debate on fate vs. free will, and this is not my point; what I mean to say is that when one begins to 'need' some kind of security, safety, or at least a clear and precise movement, the organic cycle is disturbed, and a certain level of distrust is created between the person and their life. As this happens, one cannot, more and more, admit to such fear and distrust, for this implies disconnetion; so we try even harder to determine life's outcomes. Then, instead of using one's vital energy to ride the movement, one uses this energy to suit the movement to themselves - their needs, fears, etc. What happens is that the person's energy necessarily becomes entangled with external (life) energy, and at one point, the two can not really be distinguished. Which means, that if one attempts to direct their will on life, making conscious decisions and listening to their 'truth', it is nearly impossible to determine which decisions are really conscious, and what is really truth. The more the person's energy gets lost in the movement, the more that person will attempt to call it their own; so that the more the person feels that the life movement is inevitable, the more they fiercely battle to stake their claim, to get their proper share. What happens to someone that is unable to be in the life's flow is that they gradually lose their feeling of connection to all life, and what is replaced, is a competition for the (now finite) energy. Therefore, those patterns, firmly entrenched, become even more rigid and static, and, at the same time, more useful as one tries to get their share of the pie, so to speak. No longer do they see how what they do in their mind, in their home, in their office, in their entertainment, has any bearing or relevance to others. They are merely living their lives. In fact, most are rewarded and commended for such achievement - be it education, career, personality, wealth - which are all, on some level, based on the suppression and subsequent suffering of others. People see the dream as to get as high as one can in life, 'pulling themselves up from the bootheels' usually, and being at the right place at the right time. What most don't see, what most can't see is that achievement based on the external is transparent; although certainly not useless or irrelevant, altogether the wrong gauge of success. But here, most people are gauging success relative to the external, and as such, being finite in opportunities, resources and breadth, they are indeed successful. Yet, it doesn't fulfil their souls. How someone can be truly successful without being fulfilled in life is still a mystery. Yet everyday, millions and millions of people, relatively satisfied, often numb, trudge to their jobs, their families, their institutions, to do what they do, to be who they are. But most do not really know who they are, and so when the introductory question arises, 'what do you do?', everyone quickly answers in relation to their careers. What do you do? What are you doing here in life? What are you doing to bring your life fulfillment and success? What are you doing to reconnect to life so that you can feel again, love again, see again? These questions are largely referred to as 'new-age' bullshit, irrelevant and pointless. When demanding rational, tangible responses - which everyone, in our hyper-technical, linear and scientific approach to life is trained to ask for - these people, coming from this 'angle' (connected state of identifying with life) are immediately put aside. Yet, not really. Every person has it within them to know that they are, in some way, lacking. Religion, power, money, lust, fetishes, there are so many ways to try to fill up this space, but most of the time, we fall short. We fall short because filling up the space does not lie in something external we can get, take, or achieve to be fulfilled, it is a new paradigm, a new perspective...it is a new way of living. To truly be fulfilled we must recognize the infinite energy of life, and the infinite energy of life's vital energy (including that within ourselves). We must accept that we share it with everything, every man, woman and child, all trees, water and planets - in fact, everything in our consciousness is made of this energy. Therefore, whenever we fill up by taking, something will be lacking. There is no disconnection, and life, outside of mind, is perfectly balanced. Our actions cause pain, our words cause suffering, our lives create disturbance by treading recklessly and carelessly on this world. Nothing is a separate entity, although for mind's sake we neatly compartmentalize things so that we can express and share and know, although these concepts are temporary and fleeting. We are not just humans, we are co-creators of this universe, and as such, have infinite responsibility to it. This is the understanding, but the reality is so much more simpler. What, my friend, is living a lie? It is being distant from my heart, repressing yours, ignoring others, making sense out of it all. It is writing to me from your mind, and not going with your soul. It is hiding and seeking instead of trying and failing. It is so many things I cannot give to you, that you must give to yourself. And when it all shakes off, the skin is loose and fallen, and we stand naked as infants, held in the bosom of our mother, we will not take stands on either side and separate what we do, what we say, how we walk from who we are, but will allow our lives to express it all, to rest in the mother generously sharing the bounties of her fruit, and stop talking about all these things that we do, and live. HOME PAGE & ARCHIVES
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