Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Way
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec. 14, 2002

Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Way
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec. 15, 2002

Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves! I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They’re just adorable!
All my love,
Agnes

69 Cash Way
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec. 16, 2002

Dearest John,
Oh, aren’t you extravagant! Now I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity – three French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist – you’ve been too kind!
Love,
Agnes

69 Cash Way
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec. 17, 2002

Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful – but don’t you think enough is enough. You’re being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes

69 Cash Way
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec. 18, 2002

Dear John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings – one for every finger. You’re just impossible – but I love it! Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes

69 Cash Way
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec. 19, 2002

Dear John,
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps! So you’re back to the birds again, huh! Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket……..PLEASE STOP…!
Cordially,
Agnes

69 Cash Way
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec. 20, 2002

John,
What’s with you and those fucking birds? Seven swans a-swimming! What kind of God damned joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck! It’s not funny. So stop with those fucking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes

69 Cash Way
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec. 21, 2002

OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It’s enough with all these birds and eight maids a-milking but they had to bring their God-damned cows! There’s shit all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house! Just lay off me, smart ass!
Agnes

69 Cash Way
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec. 22, 2002

Hey, Shithead!
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing! And Christ, do they play! They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!
You’ll get yours,
Agnes

69 Cash Way
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec. 23, 2002

You rotten prick!
Now there’s ten ladies dancing! I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies! They’ve been balling those pipers all night long! Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got the diarrhea. My livingroom is a river of shit! They Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned! I’s siccing the police on you!
One who means it…

69 Cash Way
Beaver Valley, Colorado

Dec. 24, 2002

Listen, Fuckhead!

What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies!? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead! They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine!
Your sworn enemy!
Agnes

Law Office
Badger Bengaraw
303 Kave Street
Chicago, Illinois

December 25, 2002

Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitariam, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Dick Badger,
Attorney At Law